It's been long enough. I'm officially the world's worst blogger but I need to get some things off my chest. I'm so frustrated. So frustrated that I'm angry and hurt and sad all at the same time. In my world right now, nothing is right. Everytime I turn around, there's the world bitch-slapping me in the face with something else that's not right. And the worst part about it is (and this is really sad) is that all I want to do is complain about it but I know it's not that bad. The people I talk to about it are probably sick of hearing my crap (rightfully so) because they have their own problems and probably don't need/want/care to hear about mine. So I've just been holding a bunch of stuff in. Which is fine but I'm at the point that I need to get it off my chest for me.

First thing that's not right in my life: Work. Sucks. I'm stuck at a desk job being the office Go-pher and doing all the little crap that is tedious and not in my job description because I know what needs to be done. So I just do it. My job title is Program Director. As of now, I direct no programs. I work with the WORST program we have and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't help make it any better and I don't propose doing anything to it because I know we don't have it in the budget, meanwhile my co-worker whom I feel like can be a complete idiot, is over here trying to make all these crazy suggestions, propose all these costly ideas and my boss things he's the best thing since sliced breat! Then I look like the underacheiver because I don't pull stupid ideas out of my butt and try to fix things that don't need to be fixed. And anytime I feel like things are slightly okay, I get another phone call or have another meeting about something stupid that at this point in time is pointless. No, no I'm wrong. The point is to make me pull my hair out one-by-one and it is succeeding! I wouldn't be surprised if I have a bald spot. What is the cake topper is that my boss has told me that all the parts of my job that I hate the most are all the things she thinks are important and wants to change my job to completely. Awe-freaking-some. Please sign me up for a lifetime of answering stupid questions and wanting to strangle people. The irony is I think I could handle it for a few more months but it's just one of my levels of hell.

Second thing: Family. I loooove my family. But I think there is a direct relationship with loving someone and wanting to strangle them at the same time. It's science people. My parents have gone back and forth through the whole "I love you, I hate you, let's be together, screw you, etc" enough times to make me dizzy. My mom left my dad about a year ago (for hopefully the last time) and it's been just a shit storm since. Nothing is easy. Every time I hang out with one of them I feel guilty that I'm not hanging out with the other one. Like I'm not giving them equal time. I feel guilty?!? What the hell? I feel like no matter what I do, it's not going to be right because it's not a home anymore. Most people know what it's like to go home to your parents house and there is just something about it that makes you feel warm, happy and safe no matter how old you are. Now that's not an option. My mom moved out and my dad had turned the place into the worst bachelor pad ever (granted my mom didn't give him much to work with). It didn't feel right. Not safe or cozy. Not some place you want to spend more than an hour at. You can just feel the uncomfortableness. It's awkward. It was the same at my mom's. And I just feel so angry. And most of it's at my mom. Which is definitely not right but she makes the better scape goat. I know my parents weren't happy but she's the one that made the decision to leave. As many times as my dad would threaten it, he could have never done it. He would have stayed miserable until the day he died because it kept our family together and he would be with her. I know he loved her regardless of how much they drove each other nuts. But he's given my mom more than enough reasons to want to leave. He's overly opinionated to the point of being arrogant, can't take care of himself, doesn't help with cleaning the house and maintaining things and his first question every night was "what's for dinner?" Not a fair question when you both work all day. It needed to be a partnership and it was not. On both sides. It was never "ours" but "mine" and relationships just don't succeed like that. So now I'm just angry at them and I feel like I need to calculate out how much shit I'm willing to listen to or deal with by seeing them. And to be honest, I've hardly hung out with either of them because it's just to difficult and painful. So that's always something fun to tack on to my already growing problems.

Third: My living situation. Right now I live with a friend from high school and as much as I think she's a great person and cool to hang with, those meetings were always calculated as well. I love her to pieces. But she is bat-shit crazy. OCD at the most random things. It makes things so difficult because I never know how she's going to react to the dumbest things. She gets mad because she's had to wash 3 of my dishes but she doesn't organize or put anything away. Our dining room is stuffed full of crap she's left in the living room and I was sick of looking at it. She hasn't noticed that the dining room is a disaster or that our pantry is disgusting, or that the stairs coming into the house are stained and destroyed because she doesn't vacuum or clean like she's supposed to. So being at home is awkward. So pretty much every environment I'm in sucks. I'm just not happy, genuinely, ever anymore.

The last thing. Cherry on the freaking top. I've been with Alan for 4 years. And I've put up with a lot of b.s. in those 4 years. Too much. And I did it because I finally feel like in the past year, our relationship is emotionally where it needs to be but we've been an hour and a half away from each other for the past year. It's had nice moments because it helped us put things into perspective but the whole point of him moving back to Cornhole was because he was going to go back to school. Well he's been there for almost a year and he's just now in the process of figuring out how to get back to school. So that means he still has at least another year there and he has the gall to tell me that now's the time he needs to be selfish?!?! Really???? Because the past 4 years haven't been based around you and all the decisions you've made about your life with no concept of how this will affect me?!?!? And now is the time you need to be selfish? I'm so angry and I just feel like every conversation we have is going to be the break-up conversation. I need someone who wants to be with me and will put in the work to make sure we can build a life together. And what's worse is it's my fault. I've let this happen. And I've pushed him to go back to school since he always talked about wanting to go back. So now that he's finally making the effort to go, I'm so ready to just give up! I'm so over it all. I love him more than just about anything but I can only hurt so many times. And I just don't know how our relationship can survive any longer going the way it is. I can't handle driving back and forth every weekend anymore. I can't handle maybe getting to see him a few days a month. I don't want to "waste" anymore time with him if he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not. It hurts too much.

So there it is. Every part of my life is chaos. Nothing feels safe. And I am just about at my limit of how much crap I can take. It honestly makes me want to pack up my stuff and just move away. Start over, find a new job and just remove myself from all the drama. Who freaking knows.

Dang, I'm bad at this.

haha. I suck at blogging. I was hoping to get good at this and do it pretty regularly but I should have known that was going to be a bust! Anyways, I wanted to use this to get stuff off my mind, vent, etc.

So I guess I will start over!

This is what's going on now. I just got another job! Yay for me! I will be running a weight loss program at Intel for eight weeks. I initially applied for a job with Comprehensive Club Management running one of their facilities around Portland doing Corporate Fitness. I am hoping that by the time this weight loss program ends that I will transition into that full time. I am super excited. I will be making more than I do at Nike (which is definitely good!) I can also keep working at Nike since it fit into my schedule. My seasonal status ends in July so hopefully after that passes and I full on get hired, I will be able to keep that as well! Gotta love discounts!

So on top of those two, I'm also looking into doing Wine Shop at Home. It's a wine tasting/wine club etc. type so that I can make a little extra money on the side. I would like to not be constantly struggling and going from paycheck to paycheck. I would really like to be able to start saving money up for emergencies, vacations, etc.

I feel like my life is starting to come together, slowly but surely. I'm not at my dream job (or salary for that matter) but I am working towards the right direction!!!

Other than that, I am working on some me things and some Alan and me things! We're taking this month (since we're roommate free, thank goodness!) to really work on some of our issues. I know we have a few but what couple doesn't! We've been together for two years and he can make me the happiest person and the craziest! But it's just those happy times that make it worth the struggles. I hope that things work out in the best situation possible. I love him with all my heart and I'm hoping that we can really get on the same page. I feel like we are now more than ever so that's always good!

There's not too much else going on with me other than work and Alan. I would like to have a life again though so I really need to get out there, start working out like I want to, and going out every now and again to have some fun! I'd like to get back to that completely happy, healthy self!

Wish me luck!

What's coming up next.

I told you guys I wasn't the greatest about blogging! I don't know if you were anxiously waiting for another one but here it is!!

So the latest going on with me is that I am still on this quest to find another job. I am still working for Nike but as it turns out, once my seasonal status is over in July, I will become a part-time under 20hr employee. Well 20 hrs at $8.75/hr is probably not going to cut it! So I am looking for something to help me make a living and hopefully a little closer to using my degree and my brain while I'm at work. I have found a few positions that have me keeping my fingers crossed.

I don't really feel like typing too much more! I'll come back later!.....

Frustration

I feel so many terrible emotions right now. I am not even going to lie! I am so frustrated. Nothing seems to go right no matter what I do. I'm trying so hard to keep my head afloat but I don't feel like there is something on my head holding me down. So here are some of the things that have happened to me recently so that maybe there is an understanding of that.

Well most recently, as in this morning, I got pulled over. $190 ticket. A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Well it wouldn't be that bad if I hadn't gotten a ticket last week for $242. So that makes it doubly awesome. The crappy thing about the ticket that I got today was I was literally trying to drive the speed limit for fear of getting a ticket. The main road was a 45mph zone. I then turned on 141st (which is where my job is) and it randomly changes to a 20. I was driving 35 because I thought that's what it was. It's not a residential zone, there's no school and even if there was, it was at 5:25am so that counts that out! Why it's a 20 I have no idea. The location of the sign is even more "awesome". It's literally right as you turn on the road so you don't really see it because you're trying to turn on the road! I am going to try to take a video showing how useless the location of the sign is. Hopefully I can get it reduced or revoked. I'll take either! I will take full responsibility for the first ticket, though. I know I was speeding but it was also at 5:10am and I didn't think it was too big of a deal since there were only a couple of cars on the road. It's a lot of money but I completely accept that I was in the wrong.

So on top of that, I finally got a job about a month ago. I had been looking since August at least. I accept the job because it's a job. I make $8.75/hr and I am working my butt off trying to prove that I am an asset because the job is technically a seasonal job. I hang clothes or price stuff for 8hrs. That's it. I am not sure it could be any more brainless. I feel like a factory slave worker! The only reason I took it is because it's a Nike and they do all of their hiring internally, especially when the economy is poor. So I have to wait for a while before I can even apply for another job in the company but I am so stressed out because after figuring out all the finances, I realize that at 25 and with a college degree I still need help from my parents. Talk about an ego killer! It feels so degrading to have to call my Dad and ask for help when I feel like I'm a grown-up and should be able to take care of myself. I want to be self-sufficient and responsible for my own life and I can't because I still need mommy and daddy's help. Bull. It's completely depressing.

Well before all this happened, around January, I thought I had a job in the bag. I applied for Metabolic Research Center and would have used my degree and helped people achieve their weight loss goals. (Something less trite than hanging clothes that's for sure!) I went in for the first interview and killed it! She (Megan) told me the process was to meet with two managers, the supervisor and then the team to determine if I am a good fit. So I meet with manager number 2 Suzy. She's a super nice lady and we really hit it off in the interview. She then asks me where I want to work. I was under the impression that I was applying for the Beaverton office to work with Megan (because all she did was tell me how desperate they are for people) so that's what I told Suzy. I also told Suzy that I didn't care though and was willing to work at either facility. Well no one told me that Megan sent me to Suzy because she wanted me to work there. Well when I finally talked to the supervisor she informed me that there were no positions available. So after a month of going back and forth, interviewing and writing thank you letters, and being told how awesome I am and would fit in well I get nothing. No job, no explanation, no paycheck obviously. Nothing. I finally buckled down and called a friend that happened to work for the company to find out what happened and she tells me the whole story. I am pissed. Wine does not mix well with disappointment in case you were wondering!

So amidst all this stuff, I feel like I can't catch a break. I feel like I am trying so hard to do the right things, work my butt off and all the while someone has their thumb on my head pushing my deeper under water. Everyone keeps saying, "don't worry, it will get better". That's great. I'm sure it will. But right now, I don't see it. I thought I could at one point and I was mistaken. What I want now is people to be honest. If you know a way to help, please help. Don't just give me the crap about it getting better. I need more than that. I need ideas of ways to make more money (legally, by the way!) I need prayers. I need something that I can't quite put my finger on. But more than anything, I want to just not feel completely hopeless.

Questions

Hey all,

So I have never been the type of person to write in a journal. I never felt I could make that commitment every night to write down the thoughts, questions, ideas I had during the day. Maybe this will be a better way for me to express some of those things without feeling the constraints of time or day.

A little about myself. I am a quarter of a century old and really starting to feel like it! I remember when I thought that was so old! But time caught up with me and is trying to ruin my life! I just graduated from Oregon State University with a degree I love and am so passionate about. I am truly a nerd. My degree is in exercise science and I couldn't love it anymore than I already do (unless I could actually find a job doing it!!!) I just got a job after searching in this "lovely" economy for the past eight months. It's not a great job but it has perks. I feel like betrayed because I put in so much hard work and dedication into my schooling and got a job making $8.75/hr doing something a trained monkey could do. But I am trying to make the best of it that I can and be grateful despite my negative feelings. I have been in a relationship with a guy for the past two years and some days I think he is wonderful and heaven sent and others I'm not so sure. My family is crazy. Both my mom's and my dad's but I think I've become a great person either in spite or because of them. I still haven't decided.

Anyways, enough about myself. I wanted to get into more of the real reason I started this blog. I wanted a release. I don't care if anyone even reads this or cares but I needed some place to vent, put my questions out, and ponder the many things running through my mind from family issues all the way to exercise issues. I like being able to constructively work through these things. Granted I know that one day I write something and think I'm an absolute genius or that it was really how I felt and then I'll dwell and think about it. After rereading what I wrote I realize I can be a complete bonehead and the desired result is completely different than intended. I'm hoping that this is a better way to sort through all of that and really make my thoughts come together.

I hope that the things I write in this blog either help or make someone think about something or maybe from a different perspective. But more than anything I hope to make personal gains in my thoughts, feelings and questions.

Thanks for the read,

Lindsey